Religious trauma left its mark on many areas of my life. But it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve been able to recognize the impact it had on my dance career and reclaim dance as an art form that could bring me pleasure. As a young adult, my spiritual beliefs led me to invest my skills and artistic endeavors inside of an evangelical bubble. I sought purpose in a carefully guarded community where dance (or any kind of artistic expression) was valued mostly as an act of service. The sole purpose of my dance activities was to inspire people to give their lives to Jesus. This singular focus steered me away from opportunities that could have offered me artistic growth and professional expansion.
As a dancer, my craft involves my physical body - she is the vessel I use to create art. Dancers often struggle with their bodies for a wide variety of reasons. We spend a lot of time in front of a mirror scrutinizing our shape and performance in the classroom and that leads to comparison, insecurity, and in extreme cases - disordered eating or exercise habits. Dancers are also athletes who often struggle with physical injuries. If an injury prevents them from creating, performing, and/or working for an extended amount of time, there can be an added layer of mental health issues to deal with. Like most dancers, I have struggled with all of these things at some point in my career. However, I had an additional challenge to work through due to my religious beliefs because
Dance is an art form that glorifies our physical body and what it is capable of - but my religion condemned her.
The religious communities I grew up in were heavily influenced by purity culture. There was an emphasis on biblical verses that spoke of humans being inherently sinful. Verses that instilled fear in me about my flesh, my body being evil, and that it could not be trusted. To remain “right with God”, I was told I had to overcome my flesh and beat my body into submission (metaphorically speaking). That created a layer of fear and shame that I had to navigate day in and day out. I was afraid of my own body - worried that she would cause me to sin and land me in hell for all eternity.
Around 2016, my family’s evolving beliefs regarding certain theological doctrines led to social ostracization within our spiritual community. Towards the end of 2017, I realized I was fighting an uphill battle and began the process of untangling myself from evangelical Christianity. I then spent the next few years reading books and listening to podcasts from other church leaders who were also questioning their faith and moving through a process they called “deconstruction”. I found strength and support from Facebook groups and other online communities with like-minded humans. The people I met in those spaces helped me make sense of all the things I was feeling and encouraged me to find a therapist who could help me work through my religious trauma. Eventually, I was able to begin rebuilding a spiritual path that aligned with my values and beliefs.
By the end of 2020, I had removed myself from all the online deconstruction spaces I was a part of. I was experiencing regret over the years I’d wasted in a religion that kept me disconnected from myself, and I had no desire to put any energy there anymore. I was determined to spend the rest of my days on this planet looking forward with an open heart. I wanted to participate in activities that brought me joy and invest in relationships with those who loved the person I was becoming.
For the most part, I don’t regret the path I took - at least when it comes to the world of spiritual dance. I created some amazing stage productions, met wonderful and talented humans, and traveled the eastern half of the country performing in big cities. And don't get me wrong - inspiring others to awaken their spirituality and find growth and fulfillment through embodied spiritual practices is and always has been a driving factor for me. But what I do regret is the personal disconnect I experienced within my craft due to certain theological doctrines taught to me through my religious communities. Whenever I would choreograph a piece, I felt a responsibility to choose themes, costumes, and music that would hopefully create the right conditions for saving someone's soul. My art was never about me, and there wasn’t space for my soul to be witnessed, for my voice to be heard. My creativity existed on the far end of a spectrum of what I believed to be true about the divine. These days I'm a firm believer in both the divine within and the divine without. So now I'm exploring the internal side of that spectrum to restore balance for myself and for those in my sphere of influence.
I also feel sad about all the years I spent completely cut off from experiencing any kind of pleasure through dance. Except for those few times a year when I convinced my friends to go out to a dance club with me so that I could dance the way I wanted to dance. Those moments weren't about partying or flirting. Was I rebelling? Absolutely. But it was my soul seeking freedom from the cage religion kept her in. I just wanted to feel the exhilarating feeling of joy that came over me when I was moving simply for the fun of it. There was nowhere in my spiritual world that allowed me to experience that without some level of guilt. So I had to go into spaces that my mentors and spiritual leaders wouldn’t necessarily approve of to find it. And oh how my soul craved it. If I went too long without a dance club experience, I felt desperate for it. From where I stand now, I think dancing in a nightclub was where I felt the closest to myself. But at the same time, it was fueling feelings of shame, because I was conditioned to believe dancing for Jesus should have been enough. I also enjoyed the freedom to move sensually in those environments - but I would always pay the price with a huge plate of self-hatred afterward.
Sometimes I feel so angry thinking about how I spent more than half my life in a religion that taught me to hate and fear my body. Additionally, that theology had a huge impact on the way I engaged with and taught spiritual dance. Phrases like “offering my body as a living sacrifice” still haunt me because it allowed me to view and treat my body like a soulless workhorse. I believed that I needed to decenter her so that she could be used in a way that would bring glory and honor to God.
Hearing myself say all that out loud today is really astounding. And it makes me feel so sick to my stomach - to think about this little girl in me who lived under the weight of all that nonsense day after day. I grieve the years I lost hating my body, hating myself - so disconnected. All of that was the foundation on which my spiritual beliefs were built. And to this day I’m still unraveling all of those false narratives.
In recent years, I’ve branched out and participated in several performances with a local burlesque troupe. I cannot even begin to tell you how that experience has repaired my relationship with my physical body and healed my self-worth issues. My confidence has also gotten a major boost! And bonus, I feel like this style has helped me unlock another level of creativity when it comes to my choreographic skills.
I giggle a little whenever I think about the people in my former life who would clutch their pearls at the thought of me dancing sexy on stage. Oh, the accusations they would make about how I’d lost my way. But what they don’t understand is that I had to get “lost” to find myself. My body is the temple - MY temple. I worship her and she takes me to depths I’ve never experienced. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this peaceful, this grounded, and this whole. Dance IS a spiritual path - one that is incredibly fulfilling and profoundly transformational!
I have been reprioritizing my perspectives, my voice, and my desires within my dance activities. I have been allowing my body to express herself without any judgment or fear. The process of letting myself be cetered and SEEN has been challenging but it has also been SO healing.
If you want to hear more about my journey into and out of Christianity, then I invite you to listen to episode 3 of my Spiritual Dance Podcast titled “Losing my Religion”.
